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Dialogues@RU is published
annually by the
Writing Program at
Rutgers, The State
University of New Jersey

Volume Three
Spring 2004

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“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed, but when we are silent we are still afraid. So it is better to speak, remembering we were never meant to survive” ( Paterson). These words of autobiographer Audre Lorde begin to answer the question of why she has dedicated much of her life to activism through writing. Some women write autobiography for therapeutic reasons or to obtain a better understanding of themselves. Some write because writing provides the opportunity to speak candidly without the fear of rejection. And some, like Audre Lorde, write because they have something to say that they believe that the world needs to hear. Examination of her writing in light of the ideas of prominent feminist theorists such as Susan Friedman, as well as others, reveals how various forms of oppression have affected the formation of Lorde’s identity in ways that have led her to pursue a life of activism.

Zami: A New Spelling of my Name is the story of Audre Lorde, a black, lesbian, feminist, poet, writer, and activist, who grew up in Harlem in the 1950’s. In her autobiography she shares her experiences of growing up as a black lesbian woman in a white heterosexual man’s world. She explains that “being a black woman poet in the 1960’s meant being invisible . . .doubly invisible as a black feminist woman, and it meant being triply invisible as a black lesbian and feminist” ( Paterson). There is a strong theme of oppression and discrimination in her writing, as well as a pervasive emphasis on the desire to fight injustice and ignite change. Her book exemplifies a type of autobiographical writing which promotes an awareness of the injustices that the author has experienced. These experiences have evoked enough rage within to necessitate a fight for change, the weapon of which is the voice of one seeking a revolution of unity.

Lorde relays her own experiences of discrimination against many aspects of her self from the time she was a child. As a nearsighted child, she could not go to the same school as her sisters. As an overweight child, she was called “fatty, fatty” by her classmates (25). As a “bad” child (because she accidentally broke her glasses), she was forced to sit in the back of the classroom with a dunce cap on while her teacher had the other students “offer up a prayer for [her] to stop being such a wicked-hearted child” (30). As a girl, she was not eligible for the class presidency (63). And, as a black child, she was not allowed to eat in an ice-cream shop in Washington D.C., where black people were not served (70). It is important to take all of these types of discrimination into consideration in order to understand how deeply these experiences can impact a developing sense of self. In her article, “Virtual Activists? Women and the Making of Identities of Disability,” Helen Meekosha asserts that, “inside ourselves we have to grasp the contradictions of our individual lives. Our identities are constantly in tension, as we are defined by others and redefined by ourselves” (Meekosha). She is referring specifically to women with disabilities; however, the concept can be applied across many marginalized groups in society. Cultural perception and prejudice will always have an effect on one’s developing identity, as it did for Lorde.

For Lorde, these experiences of injustice were very confusing. She knew that she was a worthwhile person and hadn’t done anything to provoke the disapproval and unfair treatment that she received from those around her; but it was there. When she lost the class presidency election even though she knew she was the most qualified, she writes, “I was shocked. . .something was escaping me. Something was terribly wrong. It wasn’t fair” (63). The positive view that she had of herself didn’t match up with the negative way that she was viewed and treated. It leads one to the question of where, in the construction of one’s identity, the connection is between what one knows to be true of one’s self, and what the mainstream culture deems ideal or acceptable. Susan Friedman offers her view of this dilemma in her essay entitled “Women’s Autobiographical Selves: Theory and Practice.” She explains that “not recognizing themselves in the reflections of cultural representation, women develop a dual consciousness - the self as culturally defined and the self as different from cultural prescription” (39). This idea of the existence of two sources from which the identity is formed, one from within the individual and one from the environment surrounding the individual, working together to mold self-perception, is illustrated in Lorde’s autobiography. This is evidenced by the gap that she felt between the positive light in which she saw herself and the negative light in which other groups of society viewed her. She describes herself as “full of myself, knowing I was fat and Black and very fine” (223). However, she also writes that “to be Black, female, gay, and out of the closet… was considered … to be simply suicidal” (225). With these statements she displays recognition of both sides of this “dual-consciousness,” and the great disparity between her perception of herself and the mainstream culture’s perception of her. As an adult she was subjected to the same types of discrimination that she experienced as a child when she lost the class presidency. The feelings of dissonance remained between the person that she knew herself to be and the unjust way in which she was treated. She experiences a constant tension that stems from the dissonance within her “dual consciousness.”

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