Dear Bishop,
Recent events at the Lambeth Conference have caused me great concern and sadness. Please let me explain why.
I am a 61 year old heterosexual woman. I have been and still am married to the same man for over 30 years, our only marriage. We have two grown children.
I grew up in a home with three older brothers. One of them is gay. He is now 71 years old. He has suffered all his life from homophobia, first from the hands of our horribly abusive father, then from our brothers, then from his classmates, then from exploitative partners with whom he sought love and acceptance. In 1970 he was married to a lovely woman, a widow 16 years his senior. It is safe to assume that his inner reasons for the marriage had, in part, to do with "gaining respectability". I have never asked him. His wife died in 1992. Since that time he has been virtually a hermit, bitter and waiting for death. (His car is 5 years old and has 3000 miles on it.) I love my brother. He taught me how to comb my hair and how to bake.
I had an uncle named Frank, one of my mother's six brothers, who was gay. He lived in a committed relationship with another man whom we all called "Uncle Mal", for 45 years. They worked hard all their lives, saved their money, retired, and went on a 6-month trip around the world together. When they returned, they moved from their 5th floor walkup in Brooklyn to a lovely house in southern California, where they lived out their remaining years. Uncle Mal died first, after being cared for in his final illness by Uncle Frank. When Mal died, Frank returned to the Roman Catholic Church of his upbringing, able to receive absolution after all those years of being refused. Today, Frank and Mal lie together in a crypt in California. To my knowledge, no one in my mother's large family ever rejected them for their lifestyle or shunned them in any way. They were both very much loved by all of us.
From my earliest knowledge of both my brother and my uncle, as well as from the many gay and lesbian people and their families that I have known, I am absolutely convinced that they are not gay by choice any more than I am straight by choice.
My mother's family was Roman Catholic. She persisted in her faith her whole life, even though she had been refused absolution for many years for using birth control. She had had 4 children and 2 miscarriages, and was being battered by my father, who also beat my brothers, when she decided it wasn't safe to have more children. When my father died at the age of 47, she was once more embraced by her church, and indeed went to work as a housekeeper for a priest for the next 20 years. I rejected the harsh dictates of the Roman church in my twenties and converted to Lutheran, the faith of my husband and my father's family. When I told my mother and her priest-employer that I was to be married in the Lutheran Church, he reviled me and said (in front of her) that I "must have been living like a whore" to have made such a decision, and she, poor terrified woman, said that something terrible would happen to my husband or children for doing such a thing. The priest forbade her coming to my wedding or reception, on pain of losing her job. Nonetheless we continued to have as close and loving a relationship as possible.
At that point in my life I left behind all religious practice. Our children grew up in the Lutheran faith, but went to church without their parents most of the time. When I found St. Stephen's 3 years ago, I found a rector whom I could trust for the spiritual guidance and support I had come to know I needed, and still need. Equally important, I found a rector and a congregation who love, welcome and care for everyone--poor, rich, alcoholics, lawyers, teachers, mentally ill and retarded, doctors, school superintendents, brown, white, black, yellow, old-line Episcopalian, newly-converted, and even a few real doubters. I found St. Stephen's to be the most accepting and loving group I have yet known, a real miracle in my life. It took me a few years to decide to join the Episcopal Church, but after some study, I made that decision and was received into the Church in March, when you officiated here. It was a joyous day for me. I felt I had found a real spiritual home.
And now comes Lambeth. Lambeth warns me that once again I may have misplaced my trust. Is St. Stephen's a precious anomaly in the Episcopal Church? I am confused, perplexed, angry and fearful. Will all these good people I have loved, like my gay brother and uncle, be rejected again in principle by the spiritual leaders of an institution whose stated mission is to bring Christ's love to the world?
Thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to read and listen to this long letter.
Respectfully,
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