2The authors are indebted to the Douglass Scholars Program, The Dean of Douglass College, the Associate Alumnae of Douglass College, and the Special Collections and University Archives of the Rutgers University Libraries. We are also indebted to the members of a Douglass honors seminar on Psychobiography taught by the first and attended by the second author, in which we began to formulate the ideas represented in this paper; to the Alumnae of the Class of 1938 who shared their recollections with our class; to William Skvarch and Anita Santiago, who shared their memories of the Kangler family with us; to James and Sara Velcheck, who contributed the Kangler materials to the University Archives; and to Thomas Frusciano, Althea E. Miller, and Lois Baldessari, who conducted the initial archival cataloguing of the Kangler materials and, along with Erika Gorder of the Archives, lent their expertise in this work.

A Life of Promise, A Life Foreshortened

Mary Clara Kangler was born in the coal mining town of Duryea, Pennsylvania, in August, 1917, the second child of Johanna and Alois Kangler, who immigrated from Slovenia in 1909. Her elder sister, Elsie, was born in April, 1913. They had a younger brother, who died tragically when he fell into a well and drowned at the age of 3, in Duryea. Sometime after that, the Kangler family moved to Dunellen, a middle-class town in Central New Jersey. Clara, as she was called, was considered by her family to be the intellectually gifted sibling who would attend college. Her sister, Elsie, who was not given the choice to go to college by her parents, worked in a printing shop setting print and helped finance Clara’s college education.

Clara graduated high school with honors and went on to pursue her Bachelor’s degree at New Jersey College for Women (NJC), which later became Douglass College. She graduated in 1938 with general college honors and distinction in English. In both High School and at NJC, Clara was well-liked and involved in many extra-curricular activities. After graduation, she the commuted by train to New York City from the family home in Dunellen, where she worked for 6 years as a secretary for McGraw Hill Publishing Company while pursuing a Masters degree in English at Columbia University. She was awarded the Masters in 1944, writing her thesis on feminist Sarah Grand. She then worked as a Secretary for almost two years at Appleton Century Company followed by Simon and Schuster, Inc., both in NYC, until April, 1946. At that time (April, 1946), Clara suffered what is self-described as a nervous breakdown, which she attributed to years of hard work at NJC, Columbia, and the publishing companies and to a painful, hurtful love affair with a married man. She retreated to the family home to recuperate. She suffered from symptoms consistent with Major Depression, including extreme fatigue, withdrawal from normal activities, anhedonia, loss of appetite, lack of interest in her appearance, low self-worth, and frequent bouts of crying. She also suffered terrible headaches, an apparent cessation of her period, and was diagnosed with a thyroid condition and prescribed medication for it. Despite her condition, she resumed working in June, 1946 as a secretary for J.H. Manning & Company, in New York City.

By November, 1946, Clara had recovered sufficiently to embark on an extended trip to Miami, where she hoped to accomplish three things: regain her health, make a good deal of money, and write a novel. An overriding goal was her desire to make her mark on the world and provide for her self and family financially. During her time in Florida, she and her sister, Elsie, were avid correspondents, exchanging several letters a week. There are other letters received by Clara during this time period, as well. The letters document Clara’s excitement at her new-found strength, her reflections on the breakdown, her struggle to avoid yet another depression, and her attempts to achieve her career objectives. They also provide a vivid glimpse into her social life and her attitudes about social mores of the day. Sadly, they document her unraveling relationships with the world around her and the disruption this created in her sense of self. While she worked for two months as a Secretary at the Dade County Port Authority and was initially satisfied with her position there, she becomes disenchanted and apparently intends to quit in early January) but is (for reasons described below) relieved of her duties before she has a chance to do so. After that, which she moves from one job to another, undertaking at least four new positions between January and July, the last of which is legal secretary and lasts for about five months. Her growing dissatisfaction with Florida, increasing fatigue, and depression precipitates a return to Dunellen in July, 1947, her goals unmet. Upon returning home, Clara took a job teaching at a local business college. In September of that year, she took her life. Her sister, Elsie, discovered her body in the basement of their home.

Clara characterizes the six-month period at home as indescribably dark. She uses the word "harrowing." In describing it, she also states:

According to Thomas Moore, in Care of the Soul, depression can signal a person the need to look inward and connect with unearthed parts of the self and, as such, can be the source of growth. This belief was held by Clara, as well as her Confessor, Father Leary, a Catholic Priest whom she wrote. In his response to her, he wrote:

Clara appears to have viewed her breakdown as a source of important personal growth, as seen in the following quotes from both her letters and her novel pages, respectively:

However, she may have been too quick to assure both herself and others that the ordeal was over., as in the following almost too-rosy depiction in her novel and in a letter home:

Clara was not fully recovered and would experienced a relapse, a self-described "mini-breakdown," after returning to Miami in the days following Christmas, resulting in a return home for approximately a week to recuperate, followed by a return to Miami to continue her general recuperation. During this time, she is relieved of her duties at the Dade County Port Authority and begins work in the travel industry. She feels a surge of energy and fills her life with hard work and planning, until beginning to succumb once again around the end of March to the effects of fatigue, illness and, eventually, depression:

That was Clara’s last letter home. Clara ceased writing to Elsie at that point, though her presence in Florida is glimpsed through the several letters Elsie wrote her in the remaining month Clara was in Florida.

What led Clara to her ultimate act of self-annihilation? Any of a number of medical or psychological conditions could have precipitated and/or fueled her depression, including a mood disorder (perhaps due to a chemical imbalance); the thyroid condition; a deep divide in her sense of self and identity, taking the form of a narcissistic disturbance that fueled an incessant drive for achievement and attempts to forge a grandiose self-concept followed by disappointment, disillusionment, and depletion; unusual vulnerability to loss and inability to form deeply sustaining connections with others that empathized with her deepest longings; and a natural endowment with an intelligence and perceptiveness that enabled her to peer beneath the surface realities that most of us operate within, rendering her vulnerable to depression. Moreover, she was a woman coming of age in the wake of the Great Depression and when opportunities for talented women such as herself were more limited than they are today. However, while it is tempting to seek singular causes of Clara’s depression and suicide, the causes are complex, multi-faceted and most likely highly individual (Gilbert, 1992). All of the above factors undoubtedly formed a synergistic constellation that resulted in her struggles. Also, while it is tempting to think that today Clara would have undoubtedly received better treatment for her depression, Gilbert (1992) notes that even with improved biological interventions depression and suicide are on the rise. Therefore, we cannot conclude that it is exclusively or primarily a biological disease.

Clara was a psychological being occupying a physical body in environmental and social time and place. We cannot expect to separate out one dimension of this matrix to capture the full essence of her depression or any aspect of her experience. The task, rather, is to explore the individual way in which she handled her internal and external pressures and how depression took form and shape in her life. as well as her strategies for coping with it. Clara wanted her story told, but never published her novel. We, now, tell her story for her. Since Clara’s writings provide a telescope into her psychological experience, our focus will be to illustrate aspects of her psychological experience.

There is considerable evidence of emotional turmoil in Clara’s life that is at least partly situated in her personality structure and family dynamics. Our work is based on Clara’s high-school diary; letters to and from her, both in and shortly after college and during the time she resided in Miami,;Clara’s college notebooks and both high-school and college term papers; her Masters Thesis on the life of Victorian-England feminist novelist Sarah Grand; three pages of what appears to be the introduction to her unfinished novel and six pages of what appear to be a scene from the book; other writings; scrapbooks; and memorabilia. We were also fortunate enough to speak to three NJC classmates of Clara, two close friends of her sister’s in later life, and both an extended family member of Elsie’s and a close childhood and family friend, each of whom read about this work in a newspaper article and contacted the first author. This work began as part of an honors seminar on Psychobiography taught by the first author and taken by the second author, in which the class worked on the Kangler archives, culminating in a library exhibit at the Mabel Smith Douglass Library that ran from January 25, 1999 to March 25, 1999. We are indebted to the members of the class and to the Archivists at the Special Collections and University Archives of Rutgers University Libraries, for it was in the context of that class that we first began to formulate the ideas that appear in this paper.

To the untrained observer, Clara was an attractive, intelligent, charming, and vibrant person. Few, if any, would have suspected her inner turmoil. An honors student throughout high school and college, she had many friends and was well-liked both at school and in the workplace, and was involved in the social life around her. She appeared well-adjusted and was a high functioning young woman. In 8^th grade, she was Chairman of the Drama Club, writing and performing in plays for production there. Among her high-school activities, she was a writer and for her school publications, The Searchlight and Echo and wrote her own column for the former publication. She was Chairman of the Junior Prom, and active in sports and cheerleading, earning her school letters, and served as Assistant Manager for her athletic team. Among her college activities, she served as columnist and Book Editor for Campus News, her college newspaper, writing numerous book reviews; was a junior class officer (Treasurer); was Chairman of a trans-college pre-college weekend for top high-school students sponsored by a consortium of women’s colleges; was a literary editor of her college yearbook, The Quair; was selected for and participated in Philalethean (An English Honors Society); and at various times was a member of the German Club, Education Club, and Social Amenities. She also co-authored the skit for Senior Class Day Exercises, entitled A Senior Passes. She dated, went to balls, and was a bridesmaid in her college roommate’s wedding. She graduated with honors from both high-school and college, was in the top 10% of her high-school class (19 of 189 students), and was the sole English major in NJC Class of ‘38 to graduate with Distinction in English.

As early as the 8^th grade, Clara’s diary reveals evidence of chronic depression; she may have suffered from Dysthymia. She complains of an unbearable fatigue and a sense of futility; there is evidence of depersonalization.

She notes in her diary the contrast between her oppressive inner world and her contented outward appearance. Unfortunately, we do not have earlier records that might reveal whether the depressive symptoms existed before puberty. It is apparent from her writings, though, that at times she suffered from low self-esteem, vacillating between feelings of empowerment and confidence and feelings of low worth and despair. She states:

Other evidence of her low self-esteem appear:

What is the source of her low self-esteem? Her writings provide a glimpse of the inner dynamics of an easily-disrupted self-system that suggests a narcissistic disturbance. This is evident in at least four ways, through: 1) apparent feelings of emptiness and dissociation, an inability to connect with her inner vitality (despite the outer vitality of which she was able to convince others); 2) a relentless, unforgiving, and exhausting drive to excel and seemingly prove her worth to herself and others; and 3) continual attempts at self-justification, a desperate plea for assurance that she is okay, not deeply and irreparably flawed; and 4) use of defense mechanisms such as splitting and devaluation.

Clara’s writings reveal feelings of loneliness and emptiness that lay beneath the veneer of popularity, purposeful involvement in activities, and success. She seems to be going through the motions of living. Life is too often felt as an unbearable weight. There’s an automaton-like deadness that she seems to feel at times, as early as 8^th grade (indeed, the feeling rarely leaves her during that entire school year):

This feeling recedes somewhat after she enters high-school and her heart beats with excitement at the newness and variety she discoveres there. Many excerpts from her diary reveal a tremendous love of, excitement about, and satisfaction in learning. At times, reading provides her main source of comfort and gratification. However, even despite the pleasures and joys of high school, she occasionally reverts to the deadening feeling of sameness and later, in reflecting back on her high-school years, states that she has been depressed 3/4 of the time. Some quotes:

Her reaction takes on a dissociative aspect when she describes herself in a daze:

The feeling is evident as an adult, too, in the pages that appear to be a scene from her novel and in a number of the book reviews she wrote for the college newspaper, as evident in those features of the characters’ lives she sought for analysis. In the scene from her novel, the heroine is going through the motions of love, devoid of feeling:

The themes to which Clara devotes her attention in her book reviews provide a noticeable parallel to those in her own life, and as such provide a further window into her psyche. In describing the Northwest Passage, she states that it

Clara was only too aware of the absurdities and too often destructive and fruitless strivings of human lives.

One of the ways Clara seems to cope with feelings of depression and/or deep feelings of unworthiness, or perhaps trying to fill the inner void she feels is through at times frenetic activity and pursuit of external rewards--as though she is trying to wake herself from that daze she describes in the diary passage quoted above. As early as 9^th grade, Clara shows striving for perfection and/or achievement, sometimes to the point of exhaustion, and rarely to her complete satisfaction.

We know that Clara struggled to get good grades in college and was not satisfied with less than a "1," ("A" in today’s rubric). Yet she complains of having difficulty obtaining 1's, and having to settle for many 2's ("B’s"). According to friends of Elsie’s to whom we spoke, Clara’s family placed much hope in her abilities and expected substantial accomplishments. Did expectations or experiences at home set the stage for attempts by Clara to win their admiration and praise, or to ward off or compensate for fears that she would otherwise not be accepted by them through her accomplishments?

Clara’s self-report of years of exhaustion generated by college, graduate school, and work in NYC, suggest that she was worn down by the weight of these expectations. She was very critical of herself when she failed at something, whether it was failing cheerleading tryouts in high-school or getting a "2" in a college course. The consequences of her drive were apparent:

The adult Clara, age 29, reflects on this unremitting drive in a letter to Elsie:

and in the introduction of what appears to be her novel:

Yet, Clara still seemed desirous of proving her worth to her family and the world. From Miami, she talks frequently of "regaining her confidence," "coming into her own," and "finding her power." She states:

She wants to prove to family that "Little Clara" will make her mark, whether through finding a wildly wealthy marriage or writing a wildly successful novel:

Clara’s depression might have resulted in part from the realization that attempts at such idealization by herself or others was ultimately unsatisfying and detrimental to her well being and sense of self. These expectations may have prevented her from connecting with richly-layered parts of herself that ran counter to being an extension of her own or her family’s pride. She seemed engaged in the task of trying to establish a sense of self she could sustain, that would fulfill her emotional needs, and of which she could be proud. Still, she continued to use the defenses that had brought her through many prior depressed states.

Accustomed to her depressions, Clara engages in considerable self-regulation of emotion throughout her recorded life. We see a great deal of it in high-school, both in her diary reflections and in her frenzied activities and achievements. We also see it at two distinct times in Florida, both when she first arrives and is experiencing the joy of ascent from the depth of her depression and upon return there after her brief relapse in January. She seems to make abundant use of the defense mechanisms of anticipation (planning) and fantasy, as she plans her earnings and her novel, etc. Some seems to be doing both realistic planning and perhaps some unrealistic (it is hard to know). She also makes a couple of expensive clothes purchases (she loves nice clothes) and justifies these in letters home (with the desired effect -- both Johanna and Elsie approve). Either way, her activities and planning seem to buttress her mood at least for a time, and she engages in industrious work and makes progress on her novel (she apparently reported to Elsie in a telephone conversation that it was 3/4 written). During this period she seems confident that her book will be a success:

And with her Travel Business venture:

With the benefit of hindsight, we can detect a hint of grandiosity in Clara’s avid planning. (Indeed, her childhood neighbor and friend describes her as having had a grandiose streak.) When she first is writing home, the reader is excited for her find and filled with the same promise and hope she is. As time goes on, the reader begins to sense an ungroundedness and later to feel her enveloping depression. Aware of the imminent tragedy, the reader is aware that she has been, apparently, building sand castles that will be swept away by the tides. From late March on, we see a gradual flattening of her affect and increasing realism and pragmatism in her assessment of her financial affairs.

Too often, Clara seemed to lack empathy for herself, assuming a harshly critical self-stance and trying to convince herself and others that everything was alright and that the approved-of self she presented to the world reflected the full essence of her being. Hence, her statement in her final letter home that "only a jackass" such as herself could experience such a depression. At times, she blocked awareness of her own emotions and learned to put up a facade to avoid showing her true feelings. When they emerged with full force in early adulthood, she became paralyzed by depression. Perhaps she could no longer deny her authentic self. As already noted, depression can serve as a signal to the self that one has lost touch with important aspects of the self (Miller, 1981; Moore, 1992). Nevertheless, Clara was still terrified of and haunted by the depth of her depression and possibly the rejection and potential abandonment she feared from others if they knew her darker side. Hence, she buckled under pressure from others, especially family, and herself to "get back on track" and "pull herself together."

In her letters home, she tries to convince the family that there is nothing to worry about. Phrases that reappear in her letters are: "I assure you...", "You can be certain", "make no mistake, Little Clara will...." One gets the sense that she is trying as desperately to convince herself as she is them that she is in control and feels empowered. She seemed adept at making herself into what others wanted or expected her to be, perhaps in order to avoid risking rejection if they knew the more authentic aspects of her inner life. One sees in her writings a youthful dualism in her desire to present a one-sidedly positive picture of her mental health (as seen in quotes above) and to be in complete control of her emotions. Had she weathered the storm of the next decade or two, she might ultimately have been able to develop a more integrated ego structure that allowed for mutual representations of the positive and the previously disowned aspects of self and other, as well as an acceptance of the fact that complete control and feelings of well-being are unrealistic and perhaps counter-productive to mental health (Labouvie-Vief, 1990; Pascual-Leone, 1990; Vaillant, 1994). Unfortunately, she failed to live up to this promise to herself (to develop an abiding relationship with her inner self) and did not weather this difficult developmental milestone.

Many of Clara’s letters read like confessionals, replaying her actions and decisions as to assure herself and gain assurance from the reader that she chose the correct course of action. For example, this was evident in a series of letters regarding the breakdown and subsequent fallout of her relationship with her Florida companion and roommate, E. Early on, E. penny-pinches (for some good reasons); Clara doesn’t... Still, Clara feels compelled to justify her own financial choices, even itemizing what she’s bought, including the price of each item and $25 she borrowed from petty cash at work to pay for necessities. Clara apparently internalizes the constant criticism she receives from E. until she explodes and moves out of the K. household. Clara describes in exacting detail the scene that ultimately enraged her, prompting her to abruptly move out and cut ties with E. (but only after writing E. a condemning letter explaining her own feelings and actions). Clara encloses a copy of the letter to Elsie. This experience with E. left Clara doubting her own sense of self and well-being. In discussing her new roommate, M., Clara states:

Unfortunately, and contrary to her protestation, Clara did question herself greatly. Later, she attributes her January relapse to her conflict with E. In this letter, she also reveals an inner compulsion to mend ties with E., if even somewhat:

Clara’s need for justifying her feelings, actions, and self to others is evident as early as 9^th grade, when she seems to have to justify feelings she is less than proud of by appeals that others would undoubtedly feel the same way. She seems to feel a deep sense of shame about herself and her human vulnerabilities. This feeling never leaves her entirely.

Additional evidence to suggest fragility of Clara’s self system comes from her possible reactions to intimacy, rejection, loss, and shame. She uses a variety of defense mechanisms, such as devaluation, splitting, rationalization. Devaluation and splitting are constant themes running throughout her high-school diary in her comments about both girlfriends and boyfriends:

"Fritz gives me a pain now." (1/16/31)

"Fran and I hang around as if we were made together. Funny I call it. (12/15/30)

These are not isolated comments. They appear and reappear throughout her diary and later writings. She seems to harbor negative feelings in the majority of her relationships and experiences private anger toward and devaluation of friends. She seems to have difficulty simply letting herself go and enjoying her friendships, without judgment and questioning them. This may be a defense against her own feelings of being off-balance in relationships with others.

This process is evident in her last year of life, as well. Self-other boundaries seem fluid, fragile, and vulnerable to imposition by others (see also Kramer & Bowling, 1999). As noted above, when Clara’s Florida roommate, E., intrusively attacks Clara’s character, Clara is at a loss to resist this inquisition of her personality and apparently feels the need to defend herself in a letter to Elsie and later, E. She seems torn between rage at E. and fear that E. might be correct. Her response on an intrapsychic level is to split----to condemn the roommate as acting out of envy and to justify herself. Unable to protect herself easily from such attacks in order to maintain psychological equilibrium, she protects herself by moving out of the room they share, which also means leaving the home of their landlords/hosts, to whom she has become very close and who do not want her to leave. The attribution of the verbal attack to envy could be consistent with her striving to justify herself via accomplishments and aggrandizement, which might both engender and lead her to be preoccupied with, envy in other people, perhaps via projective identification.

Once out of the house, though, she assails both E. and the landlords, The K.’s, in her letters home, again using splitting. Before her showdown with E., she is somewhat upbeat: "E. and I, of course, get along very well but at times she’s extremely difficult, which I knew. I’m not letting anything bother me & what I’m writing to you now is just to give you a general sense of what I put up with." (Letter to Elsie, 11/23/46). Later, she describes E. as "that god-damn bitch...." (Letter to Elsie, 12/17/46). Regarding the landlords, before the move, she is "one of the K. family now" (Letter to Father, 11/16/46) and she describes in various letters to Elsie how much fun they have at the K. residence, how well they all get along, and how fond of her the K.’s are. After the blowup with E. and the move out, however:

The praises she previously extolled on them and the feelings of closeness and warmth fade into the background as she breathes a sigh of relief that she is no longer in their destructive sphere. It’s as if she holds her breath while in relationship with them, trying to maintain a sense of equilibrium by not reflecting on negative thoughts. When no longer in their presence, a flood of negative impressions flows forth. Clara had yet to heal the splits in her internalized representations of self and others and, sadly, it seems never would.

One sees similar representations and defenses in Clara’s heterosexual relationships. While the young Clara acknowledges passion and enjoys necking, she also expresses worry, concern, and shame over her passion. She experiences a deep infatuation with one particular boy, B.S., throughout high school, apparently not fully reciprocated though they did share some kind of sexual and emotional relationship. An excerpt from Clara’s diary written in September of 1932 shows that she is grappling greatly with her feelings for B. Moreover, her diary reveals hints of an "indiscretion." It is never certain whether the indiscretion was sexual and, if it was, the degree of sexuality involved. It is also possible that her submission was to her emotions, not erotic longings per se. Nevertheless, the relationship with B. was injurious to her sense of self. At times, she expressed regret for having those feelings, and early on wants revenge for her narcissistic injury:

She spends the summer after 10^th grade reliving her pain over this relationship.

And in one of her final diary entries from high-school, Clara reflects on both her memories of her first love:

When Clara, often, writes of her having gotten over her feelings for B., it often seems to ring untrue, as though "the lady doth protest too much." She seems to be actively engaged in the attempt to ward off the painful feelings of disappointment, loss, and rejection with denial and on occasion devaluation. Indeed, Clara vacillates between giving in to her passionate feelings and turning them off completely:

In addition to the dissociation evident in the above entry, Clara attempts to ward off feelings for Billy by going out with other boys, but she seems unable to form a genuine connection with any and usually ends up devaluing them as well. The rare connection seems fueled more by the boy’s unavailability than genuine opportunity for intimacy (e.g., diary entry, 1933). Like with Billy, she seems to regret giving in to her passion, as in the following reaction after dating one boy for several weeks over the summer:

Sustained disinterest in available men and interest in unavailable men seems to follow Clara into adulthood, taking the form of her relationship with J., the married man. Yet, while in Florida, Clara makes frequent references to wanting to marry, in particular, a rich man. She describes a visit to a doctor for a cold, in which she later reports to Elsie, "He [the doctor] also thinks I should get married and have children, which I told him I would do very shortly." However, Clara does not marry, nor does she seem to have resolved her issues with intimacy by the time of her death. The comfortableness and pleasure she apparently obtained in sexuality, as described in the following passage, eluded her in the context of an intimate, emotional bond:

At times, she feels her sexual power and is confident, as in the following passage from a letter to Elsie:

However, in the same letter, she expresses some reservations about dating and men:

She mentions that she is frequently propositioned but is certain to tell her would-be suitors that she is "sleeping alone." She also distinguishes frequently between "wolves" and "non-wolves."

Presumably, one factor in her breakdown of the year before was an unhappy love affair, though we do not know how it ended or how much it was the loss, per se, or the destructive aspects of the relationship, itself, that contributed to the breakdown. She does refer to the relationship as having been very destructive to her self-esteem. In the scene from the novel, her heroine feels herself to be losing her "personality" in the suffocating neediness of her lover:

Clara describes her own experiences as the hands of J. as similarly destructive of her personality. In the scene from the novel, the heroine goes through the motions of love and lovemaking, fashioning herself to the lover’s needs. Beneath the surface, however, she feels nothing. According to more than one source close to Clara or Elsie, Clara’s suicide was, at least in part, the result of yet another unrequited love, although it is not known if this is true, as contradictory accounts of the reason for her suicide exist among those who knew her or her sister.

Family Climate. Most of the references to the family environment suggest that it is not a place of much comfort or joy to Clara. Weekends are a burden to Clara. It seems she finds her housekeeping chores onerous, to say the least, but with the exception of occasional outings with Elsie, doesn’t seem to find much joy there. Holidays are usually a burden. She finds visits from her Aunt and Uncle awful. When reading Clara and Elsie’s adult letters one gets the sense that there is a general feeling of depressed mood in the household. One wonders if Alois Kangler has a drinking problem. For example, Clara states in a letter to him that she hopes he’s not "tipping the bottle too much." (Letter to father, 11/16/46). Elsie gives the following description of a rare episode involving her father:

During Clara’s teen years, she worried greatly about financial matters and, according to her diary, her father was often out of work. Consequently, Clara endures the economic Depression with feelings of anxiety and deprivation. Her worries and general conflicts created by financial difficulties are evident in the following quotes:

Clara’s father is employed at the time she is in Florida and appears to be the most financially solvent member of the family by that time. But as a teen, during the Great Depression, Clara expresses a sense of shame about her living environment and a sense of deprivation, although there is no evidence of the family going without essentials. Clara is aware of the difference between her needs and wants, on the one hand, and what her family can afford, on the other, and a certain disparity between her financial condition and those of some of her classmates.

Maternal Expectations. Close friends of Elsie’s (Clara’s sister) in her later life reported to us that, according to Elsie, their mother, Johanna, was a cold and somewhat rejecting mother who had little patience for children. Apparently, she was a dominant personality in the household and did not appreciate willfulness in children. According to them, Clara was a very willful child who was willing to suffer the consequences of her behavior. We can speculate that she must have engaged in frequent conflicts of will with her mother. Drawing from an Eriksonian framework (Erikson, 1963), this might set the stage for a deep sense of shame in Clara’s personality. As discussed above, she works feverishly to justify and explain herself in her letters and interactions with others, as revealed through her letters. She seems to struggle with formulating and solidifying a stable sense of self that does not ride precipitously on the tumultuous waves of interpersonal disruptions and inner doubts--to develop what Winnicott (1960) describes as continuity of being.. An object-relational and self-psychological framework (e.g., Winnicott, 1960; 1965; Miller, 1981) would lead us to speculate about the narcissistic injury that may have resulted from a conflicted relationship with her mother (and possible problems with her father, as noted above), along with the family pressures to fulfil her intellectual promise as well as to "pull herself together" and get back on track in the wake of her breakdown. Loss plays a important role in her psychological makeup, as evident throughout this paper (this issue will also be discussed further below). An ego psychological model such as Erikson’s theory, also provides a useful explanation of some of Clara’s dynamics, in light of what little we know about her family relationships. She seems to possess a strong will that vacillates with a distressing sense of shame; she tenaciously clings to hope for many years until she is, apparently devoid of it. She is capable of industriousness and initiative, though the grasp on initiative easily eludes her when depressed. She never seems to succeed in forming an abiding identity or sustaining intimate, romantic connection. Issues pertaining to will, shame, pride identity---all aspects of the self-system, appear to be the most vulnerable to insults from life.

In her review of The Citadel, she describes a number of her own inner conflicts:

Despite her considerable and impressive struggles to do so, Clara never succeeded in developing an abiding faith in herself, to the point where it felt better to annihilate herself altogether.

We know that the Kangler family experienced a traumatic loss in Clara’s early childhood, with the death of her brother (we believe Clara was about 7 at the time). We know little of the circumstances of his death, whether Clara or Elsie might have been present with him when he died, whether they witnessed his own horror and torment as he struggled for life in the bottom of that well, and/or what they were told about the death and how the parents dealt with it, let alone how they helped their daughters through its aftermath. Clara’s feelings about the death do not seem to be adequately resolved, though. In an 8^th-graded diary entry where Clara notes the death and subsequent funeral of a friend’s baby brother, her grammar begins to break down in the following entry and she shows evidence of isolation of affect or dissociation in her response to the funeral: "I went to Eddy’s funeral. It was very nice." (Diary entry, February 20, 1930). From what is known of the times and of her family, it seems quite plausible that the family had not dealt fully with their grief. Whether Clara or Elsie may have felt in any way responsible for their brother’s death, guilty at being the surviving siblings, or protective of their parents and each other, is unknown. Even so, the loss must have been very painful to the entire family and engendered a sense of vulnerability and awareness of life’s transience in Clara at an early age, if on an unconscious level. The only reference to the death was indirect. In her diary, she cites a trip the family made to the graveyard in Duryea.

She also describes a subsequent visit to Duryea in 12^th Grade, where the family made the "usual rounds", after which they all got drunk.

There is evidence of sublimation and reparative work in Clara’s creative writing. In high school, she writes a fictitious autobiography of a young female in early 18^th-century Quebec, in which the heroine/narrator has befriended a younger boy for her playmate. The heroine later becomes the protective mother of four young boys. Still, Clara seems to have difficulty dealing with loss.

In other instances, Clara defends against hurt and loss with anger, contempt, attempts at grandiosity, fantasy, and attention to clothing and appearance, as well as anticipation and planning for the future. After these defenses break down, she is left depressed.

Whatever life circumstances imbued Clara’s life, they were filtered through her own uniquely endowed and formulated qualities. It is clear from Clara’s writing that she was endowed with intelligence, wit, and unusual sensitivity to the subtleties of human nature. While this was an advantage to her in many ways, it also proved a handicap and, in the end, she was not able to "spin straw into gold," as Vaillant (1993) described the process of sublimation (and other mature defense mechanisms). While Clara was attempting to do so in her many endeavors and might well have succeeded if her novel had reached its fruition, we know that this is not what happened. In the end, the ebbs and tides of her life got the best of her and claimed her existence.

Clara shows a tremendous depth in thinking, feeling, and insight. Even as a young teen, she feels herself to be older in spirit than her age would show. This is seen in the following quotes:

She is eloquent in her depictions of the undercurrents of life:

Clara’s depth of insight is apparent in her book reviews. In her review of The Turning Wheels, she states:

The latter quote sums Clara’s life and struggles quite well. She was an intensely emotional and intellectually vibrant person who was aware of the tides of life’s unending waves. She aroused engagement and attachment in the readers of her writings, as her openness, honesty, and strong emotionality, along with her creativity and intellectual insights. She also aroused anger and frustration, both at her cynical, sometimes prejudicial views about people, her self-delusions, and about her apparent inability to see when she was being unrealistic and careless. Throughout, though, a living, breathing sensitive young woman fills the pages and one cannot help feeling a strong attachment to Clara Kangler and wanting to tell her story.

References furnished upon request.